You know when you are listening to a song and it feels like the music is speaking directly to your soul? Right. And you know when you are listening to a song and the lyrics are so stupid it makes your brain hurt? No? Well, here’s a list. Feel free to add some more in the comments section
Gorgeous Nightmare – Escape the Fate
I love Escape the Fate. They are ridiculously over-the-top. Just look at this music video; it’s a cross between Rocky Horror Picture Show and an emo hairdressing convention. You haven’t seen this much guy-liner since the early 2000’s. It makes me happy. But sometimes… guys….
“We resurrect; it’s like I’ve come back to life.”
THAT’S WHAT RESURRECTING MEANS.
Dr. Victor & The Rasta Rebels – If you wanna be happy
The happiest tune ever composed makes me feel uninhibited rage. Excuse the long quote, but you need all of this for the full effect.
“If you wanna be happy for the rest of your life
Never make a pretty woman your wife
So from my personal point of view
Get an ugly girl to marry you
A pretty woman makes her husband look small
And very often causes his downfall
As soon as he married her and then she starts
To do the things that will break his heart
But if you make an ugly woman your wife
You’ll be happy for the rest of your life
An ugly woman cooks meals on time
And she’ll always give you peace of mind.”
Let’s break this up into sections of offensiveness:
1) Pretty women are guaranteed to cheat on you.
2) Pretty women will make you feel ‘small’.
3) Pretty women are cruel and seek to hurt you.
4) You are capable of choosing which ever woman strikes your fancy.
5) Ugly women won’t cheat on you, probably because no one else will sleep with them. (A woman’s looks are all that makes her attractive, amiright?)
6) Ugly women will do whatever it takes to make you happy.
7) Ugly women exist to make you food in a timeous fashion.
Let me now respond to each of these points in turn.
1) A person’s morals have nothing to do with his or her physical appearance.
2) If you feel small, consider this to be your problem, not hers.
3) Just because she’s pretty doesn’t mean she’s inherently evil. Or do you think all women are evil and pretty women simply get away with it?
4) With respects to women in general, what exactly makes you so desirable?
5) ‘Ugly’ women, who are they? And are they universally considered ugly? Or are you just a dick? I’m sure your ‘ugly’ ‘girl’ can find plenty of other suitors. Best believe.
6) So what you are saying is that women are desperate not to be alone, so they will settle for any willing male, even if he is an asshole. Like you.
7) A woman’s place is not the kitchen. It’s where ever she damn well likes. Make your own fucking sandwich.
The worst part is that this cover came out in 2004. 2004! Dear God, had we not tackled misogyny by then? And this was made by a South African. Whhhhhhhyyyyyyy?
Halestorm – Private Parts
Worst song Halestorm ever made, in my opinion. For starters, what is this pop business? Come now, this is meandering into Nickleback territory.
I hope it’s a joke actually. Because I cannot take this lyric seriously.
“Baby, forgive me, did I do something wrong?
(I don’t wanna talk…)
Show me your private parts”
Falling in Reverse – Rolling Stone
This is a bit like cheating, because the original singer of Escape The Fate moved to this band after he had served his jail sentence. Unlike Escape the Fate, Falling in Reverse is genuinely terrible. All prizes for stupid lyrics must go to these guys. But for my particular favourite (beating Don’t Mess with Ouija Boards):
“I got my hands up on the throttle, holding up a broken bottle.
Ready to cut you open and gut you like a fuckin avocado.”
Wait, what? How is this threatening? An avocado? This thing?
Dem avo’s be running scared, yo.
Gunning Down a Romance – Savage Garden
I’m not sure this lyric is stupid; so much as it is exceptionally random. The other lyrics are fine, but this pops up in the middle of the song and I’m like, “huh?”
“Because I console myself that Hallmark cards are true
I really do.”
It is true, today is mother’s day. It is true, you are my aunt. It is true, get better soon.
Could someone explain this to me? Regardless, it is a bit weird, right? Right?
Christina Perri – Lonely
Again, I’m breaking the rules here, but it’ll be worth it. I think the lyrics to this song are exceptionally forgettable. However, I’m about to improve them for you. Be prepared.
“Dancing slowly in an empty room,
Can the lonely take the place of you?”
What she actually sings:
“Dancing slowly in an empty room,
Cannelloni take the place of you.”
Brilliant! I always needed a song about pasta being a surrogate boyfriend in my life. Does this not make you happy? Listen to it. You will never be able to hear it without cannelloni again.
The Killers – All these things that I have done
They did something in a similar vein with “Are we human or are we dancer?” Um, both, possibly? But let’s stay focused.
“I’ve got soul but I’m not a soldier.”
I could explain to you why this is stupid. OR I could let Bill Bailey explain why this is stupid.
Bill Bailey is love, Bill Bailey is life.
Lenny Kravitz – Fly Away
Firstly, Lenny Kravitz is awesome. And no one can rock gold eye-liner like this guy.
However, this song’s lyrics are a bit much.
“I wish that I could fly
Into the sky
So very high
Just like a dragonfly
I’d fly above the trees
Over the seas
In all degrees
To anywhere I please”
Lenny, it doesn’t all have to rhyme, does it? This sounds like a kid’s attempt at poetry in the fourth grade.
I still love it though.
Leaves’ Elegy – Eyes
I listened to this once or twice and then couldn’t take the melodrama anymore. It sounds like it was written as someone’s tribute to Lord of the Rings. I imagine this being sung in period costume.
“Teardrop on a fragile eyelash
She’s looking like a dream…
…Silent tears of a woman
Make a warrior cry….
…Dewdrops on a single rosebud
This purity of rain…”
Aren’t we so artsy and descriptive? Her fragile, quavering voice does not help. For me, it’s a bit ludicrous.
I am struggling to find a tenth song, but find one I must. I think this exercise has made me appreciate how many musicians are excellent lyricists. Or at least, the ones on my ipod are.
But then, but THEN, I found Manowar. Supposedly a scary metal band, but I cannot actually stop laughing at this moment in time. Come, let me give you examples.
Hail and Kill – Manowar
This is the most bizarre expression of masculinity. Just read it. Don’t laugh. You aren’t allowed to laugh. It’s serious.
“Brothers, I am calling from the valley of the Kings with nothing to atone
A dark march lies ahead, together we will ride like thunder from the sky
May your sword stay wet like a young girl in her prime
Hold your hammers high.”
Oh dear God.
I am never going to get that line out of my head now. I think I need to print it out and stick it on my wall.
The rest of the song is sadly much less funny and probably says something about the men who wrote it and their target audience.
“Rip their flesh, burn their hearts, stab them in the eyes
Rape their women as they cry
Kill their servants, burn their homes till there’s no blood left to spill
Hail and kill”
I’m not laughing anymore. I just feel sad. Is this what we seek to glorify? There is something deeply wrong here.
I was amused until this point. But I think I’m done now. I have nothing left to say.